I’m going to sound really whiney but I really just want to be home. I know I should be enjoying my time here and focusing on school but I can’t. All of my projects have been poorly executed and look amateur. I haven’t been proud of any work I’ve done this semester. Being sick isn’t helping either. I feel like garbage and that makes me annoyed and not wanting to do anything so I sit in my room. I’ll refresh the same three sites over and over. Facebook. Twitter. Tumblr. Facebook. Twitter. Tumblr. Facebook. Twitter. Tumblr. And I just see my friends posting and I just want to hang out with them.
I wouldn’t say I regret going away for college but sometimes I wish I stayed at home. I met some awesome people in new York but the amount of friends I’ve made at home and the connection I have makes me feel a lot more comfortable and happy.
Everyone asks if I’m going to continue with photography, yes but not professionally. I won’t be going to school for it when I go back home and stay there. I’ve realized that my dream of shooting fashion editorials isn’t worth the price of my happiness. A lot of people say that I’m crazy and should stay for another two tears to get my bachelors degree but I honestly can’t do it. The thought of that makes me feel miserable. It’s hard to explain to some people. I think the reason I want to
go home is kind of because all of my good friends have left. The few people I could hang out with whenever and I felt comfortable and close with have all left. It really sucks when you don’t have a group of people to hang out with. I mean there are people I could hang out with but I wouldn’t feel one hundred percent comfortable/it wouldn’t be the same as last year.
The thing about home is I think everyone will get bored with me since I’ll always be around. I’m probably just over thinking this. I feel like people only want to hang out with me since I’m only in buffalo for a little bit at a time and that if I was always there I wouldn’t be as interesting. I don’t know if that makes any sense. I think it’s all part of the way I see myself. I’m too afraid to the simplest things. I can’t enter most social situations and not plan out everything I’m going to do.
When I go home I’ll be starting school at Buff State in the fall for criminal justice, if I get in. My mom’s not happy about this at all. She thinks I should stay in new York and do photography. I told her I’m not as good as other people and she doesn’t believe that. I’m not the worst but some of my classmates are extremely talented. And I know I shouldn’t r too hard on myself since I’m still in school but there are about sixty other kids in my program. We’re all going for the same jobs. Plus all the other people in the industry with connections. It’s all about who you know and frankly I know no one that could help me. So I see it as me being smart and knowing that this was just something I wanted but new my limitations. I’m being honest and real by knowing I could never do this as a living. It may seem like I’m giving up but I know I’ll be happier when I’m back home.
If you read all this thank you, you now know more about me than pretty much anyone else.