The later i stay up, the more situations I make up in my head, which then lead to me being more depressed. Do you know how hard it is to stay positive and be happy when everything around you is not going the way you want it? To always be the friend that makes everyone feel better even though i always feel like shit? Always trying to fix everything and please everyone? Most times i don’t want to leave the house, but i’m so fixated on other peoples’ happiness i go out anyways. My friends always have shit to deal with and i’m always more than happy to help them out because i love and care for them. That’s another problem i have, i never tell my friends how much they actually mean to me. but i just realized that I never open up to them. This is mostly because i don’t have anything to open up about. I don’t have problems and i think that’s my problem? i don’t even know if that makes sense. This is why i wanted to go away for school. I need the distance and distractions. i could have easily stayed in buffalo and gotten a great photography degree but i wanted to be far away so i cant be hellbent on fixing other’s problems. but when i’m in manhattan all i think about is coming home to support my friends. is there no happy median? the worst part is that i don’t even have a solid group of friends. Right now the chances getting all of them in a room together are slim to none because everyone’s is hating each other for one reason or another. Half the people that would say “i can’t wait to see you!” or “we have to hang out when you’re home!” saw me once. I’ve met people since i’ve been home and hung out with them more than most of my “good friends”. and you know what? i’d rather hang out with these new people i met more. But now my time is up. i’m going back to school on monday and everything and everyone in buffalo will be put on hold until i get home. What i really think is fucking me up is going from buffalo to new york then back to buffalo and so on. i will never be able to stay in one place for too long. And when i do get comfortable i’ll end up having to pack up and leave again. And now i’m thinking about once i graduate. what the fuck am i going to do then. Stay in new york or come home to buffalo? Paying for school is another thing. When i come back for summer i’m going to have to get a second job which means i’ll constantly be working. And now that i’m losing weight and becoming comfortable with myself all i wanted to was hang out with my friends and go to the beach and relax with everyone and enjoy life for once. Is too much to ask to be fucking happy?
i’ve been watching with the same situation for about 5 years now. i’ve watched all of my friends do the same thing numerous time because all of my friends act exactly the same. you think i’d get used to it? nope and i get pissed every time because you would think people would learn. but they don’t they continue to act dumb and make ridiculous decisions that wont benefit them for more than 45 minutes. and i want to feel bad and help them out but i give up because they’re dumb with things like this they don’t listen.
and every time i typed “they” or “my friends” i’m talking about my 3-5 close friends that are girls. no guys because i don’t have guy friends because i’m socially retarded. i think that’s my biggest problem. i’m surrounded by girls all the time and thats really fucked me up.